something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
