Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
