i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
