my phone needs a breathalizer
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
