this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
