Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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