im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
