Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
NoShamevember. You game?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
