summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
