Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
