you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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