there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
