my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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