Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
