Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
