I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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