so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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