I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
