I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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