yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
