The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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