I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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