I hate your face
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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