I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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