I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
