I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Randomize
