Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
