watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
