Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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