Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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