so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
