I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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