I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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