Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
