i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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