Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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