I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
