If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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