I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
