I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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