I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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