I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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