turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
