Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
