Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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