He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
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How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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