I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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