I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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