Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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