dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
