Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
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Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
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Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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