Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
