I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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