I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
