Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
