i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
