Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
