This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
