Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
