im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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