It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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