Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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