party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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